Bad Moms Don’t Make Mistakes

The other night I had one of my worse parenting moments. Afterwards, once we all calmed down, I felt awful. I knew I needed to remember that I am a good mom, that I was doing my best, that mistakes happen, yada yada yada . . .

But I sure as heck didn’t feel like a good mom. I felt like garbage.

Good moms don’t shake their overtired screaming three-year-olds. Good moms don’t use their size and strength to force (and I mean force) a smaller person into pyjamas. Good moms don’t shove their child away from them when all the little person wants is to be held close.

But actually, they do. And the difference between good moms and bad moms isn’t whether or not these things happen, but what happens afterwards.

Bad moms don’t make mistakes. Good moms do.

Yes, all moms actually make mistakes. The difference however, is that good moms know when they make a mistake, whereas bad moms don’t. Bad moms refuse to acknowledge they make mistakes. So to them, they don’t make mistakes. But even more importantly, when good moms make a mistake, they seek to repair the rift caused in the relationship.

The key to being a good mom is recognizing when you’ve made a mistake. That recognition is paramount to reflection, which is the catalyst for repair and improvement.

Good moms feel remorse for their actions and reactions. They recognize when they react and damage the parent-child relationship. But, most importantly, the ultimate mark of a good mom, and what sets them apart, is that they repair.

One cannot be a good mom if she refuses to admit to making mistakes. And part of admitting a mistake, part of saying sorry, is making it right. Saying sorry is rarely, if ever, enough. We need to show we are sorry. We need to show that we care about the relationship and are going to try our darnedest to make things right. To go through the tremendous effort of five positive interactions for each negative one. And when you get through a 45 minute screaming- hitting-wobbly-all-around-meltdown, you have a lot of positive interactions you need to initiate. Repair takes effort.

Bad moms don’t put in that effort, good moms do. Whether it’s one positive interaction, or ten, it’s not about the numbers, it’s about trying; And trying is about actions, not words.

We cannot love unconditionally with words alone. Love is about actions. And actions take effort. Showing someone we love them is not easy. Jesus sure as heck didn’t make love look easy or comfortable.

If you’re comfortably and easily loving someone, you’re probably not loving them. Saying we love someone, without actions to show it, is a lie. Love without actions, without effort, without becoming uncomfortable, is not love.

Imagine if Jesus said “God so loved the world that he sent his only Son to say “I love you,’” which was then followed by Christ ascending back into heaven and leaving us all to die. But he didn’t. He said “God so loved the world that he sent his only Son to die for you.” Jesus did not say he loves us; He showed us he loves us. His death on the cross was not easy or comfortable, it was an act of Love.

Good moms love their children. Which means good moms put in effort. We try. And try and try and try. And we mess up. Again and again and again. But that’s okay, because we’re good moms not because we are get it right every time; because we keep our cool; cause we don’t yell or hit or physically bully our children. We are good moms because we repair.

We show our babies that we love them; that we will put forth the effort to make things right; to repair.

And in the end, after you’ve literally and metaphorically reset and done things over again, and you’re lying down, snuggling with your child, and you whisper into that little ear, “I love you,” and they whisper back, “I like you too,” then you can know that you are a good mom.