Imperfect Catholic Mama

You can be one of eleven kids, or you can live in an area of over a million people, and still be lonely. One in a million can just as easily equate with being lonely in a million.

So what is loneliness? Where does it come from and how do we combat it?

It would seem that loneliness is not something related to one’s physical location. You can be in a room full of people and still feel alone. You can go to a mom and tots play time, and be surrounded by a half dozen other moms, and everyone there can still feel alone.

Sure, if there are no people around, like if you wash up on an uninhabited island, you are almost certain to be lonely. You might very well name and personify a volleyball because of your loneliness. But location can’t be all there is to loneliness, for even when you live in a metropolitan area with a population over seven times bigger than your entire home state (or in my case, province), you can still be alone and tempted to name a volleyball. (Don’t worry, I’m not quite there yet).

So if loneliness is not tied to one’s physical location, or proximity to other people, what is it?

Is it all a mind game which we can talk ourselves out of?

Is it just a spiritual hole which hermits must not feel if they choose solitary life and therefore I just need to pray more?

Do I just need to name and personify the exercise ball in my house?

What is loneliness? Where does it come from? And how do we combat it?

They say build a community. They say create your village. But how does one do that alone?

I went to a moms and tots playtime hosted by a non-denominational church, and I looked forward to meeting other moms. But carrying conversation is hard. Being the only one asking questions and trying to engage other women is hard. Being the only one not on my phone is hard when everyone else seems to be. How are we suppose to build a village and community alone?

I would guess, with a lot of certainty behind it, that I was not the only lonely mom at that playtime. I would guess, that like me, while they feel the need to get out and do things with their kiddos, they also feel the need to see other people. But just seeing other people is not what I’m looking for, and I’m guessing it’s not what any of the other moms are just looking for either. We’re probably all looking for companionship; we’re all trying to combat loneliness. But then why does it feel like you’re doing it alone?

How do we get past the small talk? The preliminary questions and stilted conversation? How do we build relationships and combat loneliness?

There does seem to be a spiritual level to it. Leaning on God will help you through difficult times, but (aside from those he calls to live as hermits which takes serious discernment and conversation with a spiritual director), he built us to be within community. To have relationship with other people. Why else would we have this strong desire for friends and community? Aristotle says there is no greater good than friends, and without friends one would choose to not even live.

So friends are necessary. Having a prayer life and relationship with God is necessary and probably helpful, but one would probably still feel lonely if they had the later but not the former.

Aristotle also says that for friendships of virtue (valuing each other’s good), as opposed to those of pleasure (Merely enjoying each others company) or utility (friends who benefit from one another, i.e. Barista), two things are necessary: Proximity and commonality. I would posit that in todays world, with enough commonality and a solid foundation, friendships can last without proximity, but it does take more work, and I don’t think it is a replacement (at least not entirely) for friends who are in proximity.

So to combat loneliness we need to “go miles before we sleep” to quote Robert Frost. It’s gonna take work to get there, but we also need to know where we’re going. Just looking anywhere for friends may work for some, but in my personal experience in the last two weeks, it ends with finding people who do not share a lot of commonality with myself.

If I’m looking for young Catholic moms, with multiple children (or at least wanting to have more then one) I probably shouldn’t look at secular mom clubs that meet at coffee shops and breakfast diners. Not that there is anything wrong with those clubs, but just that the kind of moms which I have something in common with are probably not going to be found there. Neither is going to a coffee shop or brunch with multiple little ones likely to be enjoyable (at least not for me and my kids).

The moms I’ll have commonailty with also likely won’t be found at the playgroups that cost $60/child. Bigger families with a middle class income can’t afford that, at least not regularly.

So I gotta look where I’m gonna find like-minded women. A parish with young families, the free playtimes offered by other churches, and the local library events. This is where moms of multiple little ones are more likely going to be. And while it will be awkward and uncomfortable to initiate conversation and get past the small talk, it’s just the way it works. I find it helpful to keep in mind that, most likely, other people are just as lonely as I am and also find small-talk and meeting new people to be awkward. We can either all sit there awkwardly, longing for companionship, or one of us can be the canaray in the coal mine, take the risk, and hope for the best.

So what is loneliness? I don’t have a concrete answer, but I think Aristotle would say it is the state of our being without friends, thus it leads to choosing not to live.

How do we combat loneliness? Well it’s not easy. It’s not even fun, it’s hard. But it’s worth it. We have to be vulnerable, and uncomfortable. We have to put ourselves out there, swallow our insecurities, and have the ice breaker conversations.

Okay. *swallow, breathe, and sigh*. I can do this. But I’m left with another question: What does one talk about? What does one ask another mom? Asking how old someone’s kid(s) is/are only goes so far.

I’ll admit. I couldn’t think of an answer and actually googled “Ice breaker questions for mom’s groups.” You have permission to laugh. I’m laughing.

But I was honestly rather disappointed. I think if you are attending or hosting a group of new moms, then google is a great place to find some ice breaker conversations, but with a one on-one conversation at the playtime or library, I felt like they wouldn’t quite work. So I made my own list, mainly for my own sake next time I go out.

Being new to the area I feel I have additional questions to ask and can really utilize that. But I think even if I where back at our old little town, this is a list I could easily use when encountering a new mom at the playground, I was just less interested in doing that back then and so never thought of it.

But, my questions for the next mom who’s lucky (or unlucky) enough to encounter me:

• How long have you lived here? Did you grow up in the area?
• What are some favourite things to do with your kids? With your family? Over the weekends?
• Do you work? If so, what do you do? If not, how do you find being a stay-at-home mom?
• What are your children’s names? What inspired you to choose them? (Personally a new favourite! I love hearing about names.)
• Have you found a community of moms? If so, where? If not, would you like to get together for a playdate? (Or be interested in joining a free mom’s group which I’m starting?)

Which takes me to my last thought: When you can’t find what you are looking for, start it yourself. Chances are you’ll find people to attend, so long as you’re okay with being uncomfortable and putting yourself out there.

Well, thank you for joining me through my personal exploration of loneliness and sticking with me all the way to the end. Drop me a message or add a comment! I would love to hear your thoughts on loneliness and how you combat it.

Picture Credit: Me! This recent photo of Lake St Clair felt fitting for this post. It’s a rather lonely looking photo, but if you look closely you can see civilization off on the horizan.