Imperfect Catholic Mama

Who I am today is so far from the person I was 2-5 years ago. Coming upon my firstborn’s second birthday has me remembering a time before her. And while that person was still me, it can be hard to see that at times. 

However, I wouldn’t say that this is because I’ve lost myself in motherhood. Quite the contrary, I’ve discovered who I am more clearly since becoming a mother and in the two years that I’ve been living motherhood. I’ve grown into myself, such that I am quite different from who I was two years ago, but I haven’t lost myself. 

The phrase, “losing oneself in motherhood” is an undefined term that means different things to different moms. I see the phrase to come down to two key areas of life:

Identity and self-love.

When I think of what this phrase has meant in my life I see myself having struggled, and continuing to understand and navigate, these two fundamental areas of my personhood. 

Identity, in that I struggle to know who I am; That since becoming a mother my identity has changed or at the very least how I see myself has changed. I’m not sure who I am at moments now that I spend my days changing soiled diapers and feeding little mouths.

Self-love, in that as a mother it can be so easy to become absorbed in caring for these little humans who depend on me for their very survival and emotional regulation and wellbeing. I continually lose sight of my own needs and flounder to try and know what they are, much less fulfill them.

Identity

Have I changed? Yes, so very much. From my fashion tastes, to my hobbies and interests, to the degree that I enjoy being around people. 

My tastes and preferences can change, but that doesn’t change who I am! Identity is so much more than merely the surface level stuff of what I enjoy doing or whether or not I enjoy spending time around people. 

In college, I became fairly well known as the 98% extrovert who wore bright clothing and would only ever be seen wearing any amount of black at funerals. Knee-length Aline skirts, bright tops, layers and a very colourful palette was my wardrobe. 

Now, many people are surprised to learn that I’m extroverted, meaning I get my energy from being around people (rational people, that is). While I still love to get together with friends and take every opportunity to do so, when it comes time to decide on a quiet evening at home with my family or a crowd of people, I’m almost always more inclined to choose the former. And when I am in the crowd of people, I’m far from the loud, exuberant one claiming center stage. 

Not only has my preference for loud, public gatherings shifted, but so has my taste in fashion. Most of the clothes I’ve recently purchased are navy, white, or even black! And I’ve gone from Aline to maxi skirts, which college me would never have guessed would happen. I almost never wear layers, and compared to my college colour palette my current wardrobe would look shockingly muted. 

However, I would not say I’ve lost my identity. Merely who I thought I was. I thought I was the extrovert who wore bright colours. But those are merely accidentals of who I am. My tastes and preferences, hobbies and interests, etc. can come and go, change and shift, without changing who I truly am. 

So who am I? My identity comes from the fundamental, unchanging (at least in this life) parts of me. I am first a daughter of God. I am secondly, a wife, for the duration of my life on this earth. This influences my everyday choices and actions as I have made a vow to walk alongside my husband till death do us part. And last, but certainly not least, I am a mother.

So has motherhood changed my identity? Yes, in a very real way it has. Motherhood is a very real part of who I am, and who I always will be, even if it was not a part of who I was 3 years ago, (Or at the very least, from my point of view; God always knew).

I’d read once that being a parent is a temporary job. While this is true, I believe that parenthood is still a part of one’s identity. Once a mother or father, always a mother or father. In the Church’s marriage vows, you say “till death do us part”, but there is none of that in motherhood. The spousal relationship lasts only till death, but the maternal one seems to go beyond that, to be everlasting. An unchanging part of who I am. 

But the job of parenthood is temporary. While I always hope to be there for my children, and will always be doing my best to foster a relationship with them, I won’t always be raising them; teaching and guiding them to become good humans. At some point that job becomes theirs, not mine. 

While motherhood is a very real, and currently very time-consuming, part of who I am, I do not believe that I have become lost in this new aspect of my identity. Even in eternity I will still be the one who bore and co-created my children, but I will not still have the job of raising them; Motherhood is forever, raising children is not. While I still have much work to do on fully understanding that, I know it at least means that my identity should not be tied to the work I do, anymore then anyone’s identity should be tied to the work they do, as this can (and often does) change. 

If I lose myself in motherhood, in this definition of one’s identity, then I believe I will know it most when all my children have grown and left the nest. If this causes an identity crisis in myself, and I feel lost and lacking purpose in my life, then I’ll know I tied my identity to my work, the changing parts of my life, and not the unchanging aspects of who God made me to be. 

I have not lost myself in becoming a mother, but better understand who God made me to be and am continuing to discover what being a mother means as the work of motherhood changes day by day. 

Self-love

Becoming a parent has shown me, like nothing else ever has, how important loving myself is. Jesus said to “love thy neighbour as thyself.” If the way I care for and love myself is how I love my neighbour, then it needs a lot of work. So if I want to love my neighbour, or my spouse and children, better, then I need to first and foremost start with loving myself better. Not in a self-centered, selfish manner, but in a way that truly honours and respects the mind, body, and soul, (the very life!), which God gave me. How can I do this for my neighbour if I can’t do it for myself? How can I be the external voice of love, acceptance, and compassion for my children if my internal voice for myself is one of derision and judgement?

My internal voice becomes my external voice; And my external voice becomes my children’s internal voice. If I want them to know love and acceptance I need to show myself this love and acceptance. And this starts with taking care of myself.

Personally, that looks like making daily prayer a priority. It may not happen first thing in the morning right now, but I know that I need to remind myself that I can’t do this on my own and need to rely on God’s grace, everyday. Morning is best, but sometimes it doesn’t happen till mid-morning or even evening. 

It also looks like getting food and water into my body. When little people need something from you all the time, it can be so hard to stop and get something for yourself, it can even feel selfish at times. But, if I am hungry and thirsty, if I am running on empty, than I can’t give love to my children. In fact, when I try in this in this depleted state, I snap at them more and am a less loving parent; showing less love to myself, leads to showing less love to them.

Self-love involves self-sacrifice. It is hard to prioritize my needs in a balanced, charitable way, but it is crucial to loving my family. 

In discovering the importance of self care, I’ve found what recharges me when the kids are sleeping or my husband gives me some “time off”; I’ve rediscovered what recreational activities I enjoy doing and discovered new things.

In college I never considered myself a very crafty person. But in motherhood I’ve rediscovered that I actually thoroughly enjoy crafting. Making little signs and lists and writing out pretty messages is an enjoyable pastime. When I started doing this again as a mother, I recalled how much I did this as a child. I had ceased doing all these things because of overwhelming and unrealistic expectations for the to be perfect. Fear of failing, of not completing the project, judgements, and unhealthy comparisons, locked my creativity away from being a source of recreation for me. Since becoming a mother, and the need to recreate and recharge myself has become so much more important, I’ve slowly been working on how to create despite fear, overcoming it bit by bit, and choose to focus on the enjoyment of creating, rather than merely the satisfaction of completed projects.

So over the last two years of motherhood (not including those nine months of pregnancy), have I lost myself? No, rather I have discovered who I am and how to love myself with a little more clarity.

Do I fully understand identity and who God made me to be and what self-love looks like? No. Are there days when I am lost in the work of motherhood, forgetting who I am and struggling to take care of myself? Yes. 

But I know who I am and love myself more now than I did before motherhood. I know more clearly my places of vice and virtue, my strengths and weaknesses. I’ve discovered the importance of recreation and leisure, trying each day to choose recreational activities rather than endless, mindless scrolling. 

In short, motherhood has changed the way I see myself and my life. Showing me who I am more than it has caused me to lose myself. So if someone asked me “how do you not lose yourself in motherhood?” I’d answer that for me personally it comes down to knowing who I am is different from what I do and striving to love myself as God loves me.