Imperfect Catholic Mama

The other day I was chatting with a friend, and she asked me this:

“How has your relationship with your spouse changed since having a baby?”

I didn’t know what to say. I knew our relationship had changed, but I couldn’t put it into words. After having a couple of days to dwell on it, I am here to tell you the top three ways my husband and mine relationship has changed since the birth of our daughter eight months ago.

1. Intimacy

Since the birth of our daughter, our intimacy has changed in numerous ways. We have a tiny human who exists because of us! We look at her and see the fruit of our union, a single flesh that came from two individual people. I see qualities and traits that are her father’s, and he sees ones that are mine. Yet, we still see an individual. Our daughter: A tiny person who is growing so fast, learning so much, and who we co-created! It continually blows my mind that, while God is the only one who can truly create, this person would not exist without Jeremiah and me!

Since having a baby, our sexual intimacy has also changed. We can no longer be with each other whenever we want. There’s another person in the equation who needs us, usually right when we are in the midst of it. She seems very intent on remaining an only child and doing what she can to prevent siblings. But this, despite her best efforts, has not lessened our intimacy as a whole; it’s just made it a little less spontaneous some days, and a little more other days. It’s taught us to read each other, learn subtle communication, speak our needs, and grow closer.

Also, my body has changed since having a baby, but my husband still finds me beautiful and desirable. He finds the marks of motherhood add to my beauty, not detract, and he’s teaching me that beauty is not skin deep; He’s teaching me to love myself

Our intimacy has changed drastically from when we were newlyweds and before Perpetua came along, but it is not bad, just different. It has produced good fruits and will continue too in all aspects of spousal intimacy.

2. Different Day to Day Life

Before Perpetua, my husband and I lived very similarly from day to day. We’d wake up at the same time, cook and eat breakfast together, walk to classes/work, work all day, eat meals together, walk home, enjoy an evening with one another, and crawl into the same bed together.

Since Perpetua came along, we’ve noticed a big change. We no longer find we are living the same life in day-to-day activities. He’s a full-time breadwinner, working from 9-5, and I’m a full-time stay-at-home mom.

Gone is the morning cuddling we enjoyed so much before Perpetua was born, as he now wakes up an hour or more before me to enjoy some quiet time. He makes breakfast for us, and we may get to eat together if she’s happy to sit in her highchair or play on the floor.

Jeremiah goes to work, and I stay at home with Perpetua. He still comes home for lunch, which is a huge blessing, but I’ve usually got it ready before he arrives. We eat together (again, depending on Peppy) and go back to our individual work, no longer sharing our labor. Finally, he comes home and enjoys some time with his daughter while I either start or finish dinner. We might eat together (again, dependent on Perpetua) or take turns as one of us walks or plays with her. By the time supper is done, he does the dishes while I put the baby to sleep. Then, we both collapse on the couch, often too tired to do anything or think of something restful besides putting on a show.

Not living the same day-to-day life has been the most challenging change. We did similar things before she came along, and it was easy to feel we were living one life, but now it is so different. We always ask each other how the day went and what happened, but it’s not the same as experiencing it alongside the other.

Not being able to do things together and always considering what is possible and what you feel up for is hard. We used to hike and star-gaze a lot. But now we have to ask if we have the energy to bundle up and take the baby, who may decide she’d rather be home once we get out there. If we go, I usually carry her (she’s happier with me), which makes me fatigued quicker. We frequently stop to feed her, making the distance we can go, in the time we have, less. And sometimes she’s just done with it all by the last three miles, and we’re trail-running to the car. We may not make it to the destination or go out in the first place because she’s sick. Again.

Other activities have gone out the window unless we find another person, like rock climbing or downhill skiing. We used to cook a lot together, and I can’t remember the last time we did that, as one of us must watch the baby.

But we’ve also come to reflect more on what it means to live one life. We are both ordered towards getting each other to heaven and raising our little person to know, love, and serve God.

Further, we are rediscovering old and discovering new activities we enjoy doing together. Making the time we have when she’s sleeping in the evening more quality time with one another. Whether that’s playing a board game together, listening to a book, or reading poetry. We also want to go back to cooking together and are finding ways to make that work. And who knows what else we might discover.

Lastly, it brings us to do the things we love with Perpetua. Take her for a hike, camping, or just for a walk. We know this will improve as she gets older and can enjoy the activity. It will be so much fun to take her backpacking, teach her to ski, to see her rock climb her first route! Most of our favorite activities have not been completely thrown out but have changed as to when and how we can do them. We may not have many opportunities for climbing now, but one day she will be older, and we will not only have time and the ability to do it again, but we will be able to take her with us in a whole new way.

3. Becoming Parents

This is perhaps the most obvious, but worth mentioning. Before having a baby, we were not parents. And now we are. I am a mother. He is a father. We’ve watched and helped each other step into these new roles, learn to change diapers, feel confident holding a tiny, fragile, helpless baby, learn to breastfeed, and much more. We’ve seen each other stretched to new places as we don’t get sleep, walk a baby for hours, and see the sunrise more often.

We’ve also experienced the immense joy of watching our little person grow and learn. We gush over her learning to sit up and pick up food with her fingers. We’re excited when she gets the food in her mouth. We watch each other make her smile and laugh. We carry conversations with her and can’t wait for every little milestone to come. Watching a person grow daily, taking joy in their significant accomplishments that we don’t even think twice about being able to do, and seeing each other grow is a gift. Few things bring me as much joy as watching my husband hold, play and talk to his little girl.

Conclusion

Over the past eight months, we’ve come to realize many things. A few of those are we see why people don’t have kids or wait to have kids. It changes your life, makes you more selfless, stretches you, and changes the things you can do and when you can do them. But we have also realized more fully why people have children and what a gift Perpetua is to us. She is what we are called to; she brings joy and fulfillment to our lives and marriage. Yes, things change, but change is not bad.

Lastly, all adventuring and the things you loved to do before having a baby don’t have to stop, despite common cultural thought. Having children does not prevent you from having adventures. It just changes them.

Jeremiah and I were talking about the meaning of adventure the other day and how often it seems to imply a mishap in an activity and/or meeting interesting people. If those are some of the ingredients for adventure, you are more likely to have a mishap when taking a non-rational person. And you are more likely to meet people when carrying an infant to the rock crag, trailhead, or wherever. Babies are people magnets and always keep you on your toes, never quite knowing what to expect next.

So here’s to the next adventure, not necessarily pushing ourselves to achieve a new personal best, but sharing the things we love with our child and doing so together.