Imperfect Catholic Mama

Postpartum is hard. However, I’m not here today to tell you that. I’m here to tell you how perfect it is!

Ask any mom, and she will probably tell you that the first couple of months immediately following the birth of her baby is hard.

So why am I saying there’s perfection in this “fourth-trimester,” as the first three months postpartum is called?

Just like we can get caught up in the imperfections in our lives (the things we do imperfectly, the ways we are imperfect, etc.), so too can we get caught up in the imperfections, especially during hard times. Postpartum is a hard time, and our culture tends to let expectant moms know that. Most pregnant women will hear something like the following at least once if not many times:

“Oh, you think it’s hard now? Just wait until . . .”

• 3rd trimester.
• ‘X’ pregnancy symptom.
• Labor.
• Sleepless nights.
• The black hole of the newborn phase (literally got this one).
• And on and on, people will throw “more terrible” things at you.

I don’t understand why we do this to one another! I know that we don’t want to sugarcoat life, so we feel the need to share reality with others, but at least in my experience, there is a lot of joy to reality too. Further, when we do this, we totally negate what another person is going through and turn the spotlight to us instead of being empathetic and loving towards our sisters.

While there may be greater suffering out there in the world, that never negates the suffering you are undergoing.

Postpartum is hard. In my personal experience, it is the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. In many ways, it’s harder than birth! However, just because the fourth trimester was difficult, it doesn’t negate the difficulties of others. If I want to share the reality of postpartum with other women, then I have to share the whole reality, which means the perfections of postpartum too.

Postpartum is perfectly imperfect.

It’s a conundrum so let me take a stab at explaining this.

Postpartum is not a perfect time. In fact, I probably felt the most imperfect and inadequate in my life during those first months. But therein lies the perfection. It’s not meant to be perfect. It’s not meant to be easy. It’s meant to stretch, challenge, and help you grow. Show you your imperfections while simultaneously showing you that you are the perfect thing for your baby, and with God’s grace, you can give what your baby needs: A loving mother.

So while I’m imperfect, things are going perfectly according to God’s will and are perfectly normal.

It’s normal for postpartum to be so hard. There is nothing wrong with you if it’s difficult. There is nothing wrong with your baby if it’s difficult. 

It is perfectly normal for it to be really hard. 

At the same time, however, it carries little perfection.

Here are my top three favorite things about postpartum; not to negate the difficulties, not to cover them up or hide them, but just to say that there are beautiful things too. There are things for expectant mothers to look forward to and not only dread.

1. Those Midnight Visits

Newborns have their day and nighttime all backward. When they were in utero, they would sleep during the day (when you were up and moving about) and be awake at night (when you would lie down and be still). I have many memories of lying down at the end of a long day to go to sleep, only for my baby to decide it was party time!

When they are born, they don’t yet know the difference between night and day, just the same timeframe/routine they had in utero. Yep, sleep during the day, awake during the night.

My daughter’s most alert time in the first couple of weeks was when I least wanted to be alert. 

The first time this happened, I found myself getting upset. I just gave birth, I was tired and wanted to sleep. But she was wide awake. 

Then I had a change of heart. I could have been a grouch that I was awake and miss a great opportunity, or I could choose joy. I could choose to enjoy my daughter’s alertness and sleep later.

I choose the latter. I will never forget sitting there holding her in the softly lit room in the middle of the night, gazing into her precious, dark, newborn cloudy eyes.

Those midnight visits were hard, but there was also joy, and they are now one of my fondest, earliest memories with my daughter.

2. Freedom of Movement

You can finally move again! You can lie on your stomach, roll around, jump, bend over, and tie your shoes! Granted, it may take you some time to recover, so give it a few weeks (longer if you had a belly-birth, a.k.a c-section). But one day, you can move agilely again, and it’s great!

I forgot how easy it was to move until I gave birth. After a couple weeks of recovery, I not only had my mobility back, but also the limberness and energy to move again!

Lastly, I can’t write this section without saying that things in the bedroom (or anywhere in the house if the baby is sleeping in the bedroom and you want a little more space) got more exciting again too. Having sex without feeling like a beached whale helps with the love-making mood and activity.

3. Breastfeeding

This was difficult for the first couple of weeks. But quitting was NOT an option, and I’m so glad I pushed through.

In the first couple of weeks, I experienced a sub-optimal latch, struggling with latching in general (Perpetua has my level of patience, so we both got frustrated very easily, and that made things worse), which then moved into a clogged milk duct (super painful!), mastitis (even worse!), and concern about a yeast infection.

I wanted to do the side-lying position so that night feedings would be easier, but she wouldn’t latch and nurse well except in one position, which aggravated problems. Thankfully, we got through that all, and now the breastfeeding relationship with my daughter is a major highlight of my postpartum life.

• There is nothing quite like your milk-comma baby.
• Those little milky smiles you get after a feeding.
• The conversations that take place with the eye to eye contact.
• Baby’s drugged-like, happy chattiness after a feeding.
• Her readiness to get back to playing.
• The caresses she gives you (sometimes more like clawing…but I blame myself for not trimming her nails).
• How she’ll play with my nipples after eating (not really pleasant, but really cute).
• The goofiness surrounding feedings! She’d love it if I offered her a 24/7 buffet, always ready, with no need for her to wait for clothing removal.
• How sometimes she just wants to be close. She’ll latch and just sit there, not eating.
• Her playfulness around feedings as she comes on and off, looks at me, and talks in-between.

And that’s not everything. Every week brings more exciting depths and newness to this aspect of our relationship. 

Conclusion

Whether you are a new mom, expectant mom, newlywed hoping to conceive, single woman, or anything in between (assuming I don’t have a male audience, haha) know that while postpartum is hard and presents many challenges, there are joys to this period and the difficulty of the first couple months doesn’t last forever. You will get through it, and you may not be able to see all the beauty of it till you’re past it (I sure wasn’t for the most part). Give yourself time.

Whatever you are currently going through right now is probably hard. The fact that there may be harder things out there does not negate your own current personal experience. And the fact that something is hard doesn’t mean there aren’t joyful moments. But you don’t need to look at the silver lining while in the midst of it.

I used to think this was the solution, but I recently learned about toxic optimism. I was negating my own and others, valid feelings by “looking on the bright side.” I’ve found I need to first acknowledge my feelings, no matter how messy or unpleasant, before I can be thankful for the good.

Therein lies the most interesting thing: You can feel two things simultaneously. You can be going through the hardest time of your life, just wanting more sleep, but love your child and not trade them for anything in the world at the same time.

As my recent favorite contemporary poet, Jess Urlichs says:

“. . . two things can be true.”

Instagram post on 04/12/22 by: Jessurlichs_Writer

You can feel two things at once; nothing showed me this better than the joys and struggles of the fourth trimester.